The Steps of Abuse (and lack of consent)

Case 1: Home, I just need to go back home.

I would really suggest going through this video if you are unfamiliar with general rules of sexual consent.

Welcome to my story. It isn’t going to be all black and white, there will be no retributive justice in the end or a call for one. You are free to call it what you want, or don’t call it anything.

Part 1: The History Lesson

Think Pandemic 2020, sometime in September. I met him after my thumb swiped right on his picture. I hung out with him for a while, and actually slept with him twice. It wasn’t anything serious I knew that. He wasn’t supposed to stay, I wasn’t supposed to stay but we both did. I wasn’t attracted to him anyway. I just wanted sex and so did he. We used to book a hotel back then.

Something like this is never sustainable and I ended it soon after. I was as clear as I could be. No bullshit, a simple text saying it was over. I wanted to do it in person but he couldn’t meet me that day but asked me if I wanted to hookup. I said no. I did say that he was a nice person and I wouldn’t mind a coffee hang with him. He didn’t agree to it after that. Nobody missed anybody. THE END. Haha NO.

Part 2: Try again!

When I met him, he was busy writing a few exams. When that period was over he texted me one day out of blue. He told me he had just finished an important exam. Nice as I am, I wanted to celebrate his freedom, via text. Then he bowls his ball. In a mood to celebrate, he offers sex and a hotel room for it. I reiterate how I am not interested, nothing has really changed. He says okay. I think maybe this is THE END. And you guessed it! It wasn’t.

Part 3: New Year New Her/Him

Then the year changes, less Pandemic anxiety and more hope. Things have opened up, people are carefree enough to travel. He does too, to the holy Himalayas and brings back the famous herb. He texts me again. He says I forgot your birthday (I had mentioned it in passing, never expected him to remember) so let me make it up to you by sharing this amazing herb I have. That doesn’t sound like an offer for sex does it? I am encouraged to bring my friends, which I totally do (taking no chances at all).

We meet, and the weirdness is almost gone, until he tries to hug me. A little too touchy but I give him the benefit of doubt. He is a nice guy after all. He does run off early, another appointment to take care of. We make plans to chill again though, my friends are invited too.

Part 4: Return of the Old Him

Next time we meet in a restaurant. We are sitting next to each other and my friends are in front of us. We are smoking. He moves to hold my hand, sneaking closer to my thighs. Little uncomfortable and realising it must be the herb, I let it be. He is a nice guy after all. What I do instead is find excuses to free my hand up. I reach out for the ashtray or just pass the smoke around. Mastermind that I am, I succeed and soon it is time to leave. He has volunteers to drop me back.

Sitting in the car, he seems to be fiddling with something. He finally turns around, moving onto giving me a hug. He says how he has missed me, I respond by hugging him back and saying I missed him too. I mean what else do you do? This doesn’t ring any alarm bells in me until he tries to kiss me.

I am truly pissed and I push him away. I ask him what’s his deal. He knows I am not interested. How dare he assume that anything has changed? Did he ask? No!

Do you want to hear his defence? He says “I thought only ‘sex’ was off the table and making out way okay”. This is so outrageous that I have no response to it. I am like “No, everything is off the table”. What makes you assume this anyway (this was more in my head at this point)? The atmosphere is as awkward as it can get.

I want to ask more questions, did he plan this? Is that why he offered his herb? I try to ask but am quickly reminded of the awkwardness by him and have to stop after that.

Part 5: When beggars can’t be choosers

Fast forward to April 2021. The virus hits us all with a bang. Back to quarantine, unable to go to the gym. I get asked if I’d like to go cycling with him. This seems like a fair request, we had just spent a couple of evenings playing Badminton with my friends a few weeks ago. Remember the benefit of the doubt? Ya I allowed him the benefit again.

Hence ensues a pandemic sponsored cycling buddies relationship. This goes on for weeks. There is nothing awkward now, the vibe has changed and I am totally relaxed now. I start to talk about my life, he talks about his. I feel glad that he is starting to get what I meant.

Step 6: The fly is trapped

Then arrives a weekend drinking party invitation to his place. I am encouraged to call my friends. They all end up cancelling, which is understandable. They don’t know him that well.

I tell him about this and he just asks if I am still up for it. Before I confirm, I do ask who he is inviting. He names his friends (people I have met before). So I end up confirming. We decided that he is going to pick me up in the afternoon on Sunday and it is going to end that evening itself.

When he shows up I am told that I will have to sneak into his house. Seems fair, considering how it’s all a bit tricky in Indian households even if one’s parents are away. I am surprised to see him alone in the car though, I had a feeling he’d be picking everyone up.

I think that maybe his friends will arrive later on their own. I ask him jokingly if this sneaking-in is special treatment for me since I am a woman, or are the other friends of his also going to be subjected to this. He laughs and the conversation gets muddled somehow. I endup assuming nothing of it.

Sneaking in was easy, a few crouches, jumps and I managed to make no noise. He took me inside and we relaxed. The hard part was feeling him touch my waist in a not so friendly manner. That’s when it hit me! We were completely alone in his house. My mind went into panic mode, screaming “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”. I know I had messed up, I shouldn’t have come here alone. Still hopeful, I asked him clearly “When are your friends coming?”.

He says “Ooh I never called them up. I wasn’t comfortable inviting them to this place. If you want we can go to their place later”.

Clue 1: It was never supposed to be a “party” with more than two people.

I only want to do one thing: Find the loo and scream “HELP!” to the first friend I can think of. I am trapped and I need to find a way to get out. These are Covid19 times though, traffic is restricted. No cabs and I didn’t get my car.

Step 7: When the trap snaps shut.

I act all normal, changing the music, all energetic. Call it my survival mode. I tell him casually that I have to leave early. The most I can do is 6pm. He looks at me horrified, “Nahh we can’t do that! Leave at 3 or 4 am, we’ll drive around and I’ll drop you later.” I am surprised at this response. I reminded him that this was supposed to get over by the evening. He says “but you can’t sneak out until the neighbours have slept off, which is by midnight at least”. That means more hours with him. Ummm not the best case scenario. I know in my head what’s going to come, and I know I have to keep it at bay. I also know this is going to be damn hard for me.

We made the first drink, and then sat down. He is looking at me, and I am trying to avoid his gaze. He moves in to kiss anyway and I stop him. I am angry but I can’t say I was able to show it. I do ask him if this is what the party was about? If he planned this. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights. He says “It’s cool if you don’t want to, we will watch something instead”. Ya sure let’s do that.

We play something on his laptop. He tries to hug me and I let him. I feel like I owe him this maybe. A few smokes and a couple of drinks later, he does it again. I am buzzed and unable to stop him this time. I let it happen.

Clue 2: Hidden condoms under his bed. He says he has never brought anyone home like this before. The condoms are stolen from his dad’s stash, in hopes of getting luck this evening.

He cums quickly, I am relieved. But that doesn’t last long because it happens again and again.

Eventually we go get something to eat and I tell him to take me back. He asks for a quickie at 9pm. I tell him “No, I am getting late”. He says “I see people outside so we do have to wait”. Finally at 10:30 I see a window and push him to take me home.

Tired and still a little buzzed, I sleep off as soon as I get back.

I wake up the next day hating it all, the sex, the drinking, the nice guy. I am disgusted! I am disgusted with myself, with the shit that I went through and let myself go through. I blame myself and not him. I am angry at myself and not him. I puke puke and puke.

It comes to me, slowly, the realization of what had happened last night: The non consensual sex and the nice boy that did it.

Thanks for reading this.

This project was done to create more awareness and bring out more such stories. So please reach out to us. We would love to add more stories to this series.

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